Deja-vu

Well, I've not taken my own advice and have ended up in feeling hurt again.

I got involved with - well, I got pursued by - a guy who was married.  We met in January on a course and he started pursuing me in July, texting me when drunk, texting me when not drunk, e-mailing me.  I resisted because he has a wife and kids even though he’d already been seeing someone else for 6 months at the beginning of the year.  I didn’t want to be that kind of person.

Anyway, he left his wife a couple of months ago so I gave in.  Part of me knew what I was getting into but after all his overtures I thought it would last more than one night.  But that’s it – he’s gone quiet since.  It’s all so familiar to what I went through at the beginning of the year.

And how quickly I can feel as I’m about to topple over the precipice into depression.  It’s frightening. 

I feel hurt, rejected, gullible. 

I’m pretty sure that he’s seeing his ex again.  The signs are there and it’s my instinct that he is. 

I thought this would be more than one night though. 

Will I learn this time?

Things I have learned

I will be adding to this list as and when things occur to me.  But, having reflected on this most recent - and hurtful - experience, I want to take away something from it at least for the future.

- Never go out with a guy who has only just split up with someone.  You will, except in rare cases, be their rebound relationship.  If the relationship ended very recently, you are likely to hear them talk about their ex - their likes and dislikes will pop up in conversation.  I recall W mentioning his ex on several occasions now.  She liked this celebrity, she liked cooking, she liked X Factor (when I saw he'd got some recordings on his tv).  Yeah, ok, get over her. 

 - Never go out with a guy who avoids life by taking drugs.  He won't have time for you, unless you are into taking drugs too.  You might be able to get him off them but chances are you won't.  If you want to try, good luck with that.  Don't believe him if he says that he doesn't take all that much. He means, not as much as his cokehead sister who takes a gram a day. 

The avoider

So I realised today that he is an avoider.  The guy that I thought was so cool and sorted and together isn't as together and sorted and cool as I thought he was.

He:
- has avoided telling his ex-girlfriend that they are no longer together.  On Facebook, she still has that she is in a relationship with him.  She is still phoning him as much now as she ever did.
 - avoided telling me that our relationship was over by ignoring me, then sending me a stupid text that started off with 'Hiya (Hiya???), no I'm not seeing anyone else but I think that this may be unworkable because of schedules etc'.  Which was the worst excuse ever.
- avoided being on his own by joining a dating website a week or two after finishing a long term relationship.  He needed to think about what he wanted not jump straight back into a relationship with someone to try to fill the gap left by his ex.  
 - avoids facing up to life by snorting cocaine at weekends - and perhaps more often.  So much for being into fairtrade...the more I read about cocaine production and smuggling, the more I think that he is a huge hypocrite for fuelling the trade by taking coke and possibly dealing it.

Can he be on coke for ever and avoid thinking about what it is that he really wants?  Is he going to avoid thinking about the harm he's doing to himself with his chronic coke addiction. That's not good enough for me.

I think someone who needs that much coke to get on with life must be dead inside.

The effects of coke

It:

Dulls the senses
Uses up your dopamine receptors.  The brain only has a finite amount so after the high, comes the comedown.
Is a selfish drug.
Gives you confidence.

Things people have said that have helped

Gary - "He's damn well getting on with his life so you need to make sure you are getting on with yours."

Georgie (with contempt) - "He's just pathetic.  He realised he could have a grown up relationship with you and he panicked."

Janet - "Coke is a subtle drug.  You can't compete with it."

Sarah - "After a weekend with you, he realised he hadn't seen his friend Charlie all weekend and he missed him.  He knew spending time with you would mean making a choice."

Helen - "Perhaps if he stopped taking drugs and got to know himself a bit better, he might actually know what he wants."

Val - "He's heading for a fall."

Letting go

I'm in pain.  I need to let this pain go but it means letting go of him and I don't want to.

I suspect that he's barely given me a second thought since he finished it so I should do the same but I liked him.  It hurts to think that I meant so little to someone that I liked so much.

The hardest thing

The hardest thing is that I had really started to like this guy. When I was visiting him for the weekend, from the time I arrived on the Friday to the time I left on the Sunday, we talked and laughed non-stop. I'd told him about XN and I'd started to feel safe with him.

It's coming up to 3 years now since I kicked XN out and this is the first guy I've met that I've really liked. I was very guarded at first but then let my guard down because he seemed to like me and he was lovely when we were together.

I feel incredibly disappointed that something that I thought was going to be so good has gone wrong. 

How can we have gone from talking, laughing, having great sex, cuddling, feeling comfortable together, and walking along the beach with our arms wrapped each other to a week and a half later, him breaking it off?

That hurts so much.

On the Friday evening, we were sat in the pub, arms around each other, him giving me little kisses and saying that he was glad we'd cleared the air the week before.  

I still don't understand what happened.

I liked him.  

I'm disappointed.

He seemed so nice and normal.

He just seemed so nice and normal at first - and that was a change after XN!

This is the first time I've ever met someone online and started dating them so I really didn't know what to expect in terms of contact. I was a bit upset that he wasn't more communicative when my mum was in hospital but I'd only been out with him 3 times at this point and so didn't know if I was being unreasonable or not (I felt not but it was all so new to me).

I am better at spotting the red flags now and I was with this guy but I couldn't work out at the time whether my stresses were a hangover from XN or whether I was right to worry.

As for the drugs, I do feel angry and upset though that I had the chance of a normal, happy relationship and drugs got in the way. If he'd have grown out of them as my brother did by the time he was in his 30s, we might have had a chance at a normal relationship.

I did actually phone to speak to this guy about things, knowing that it would probably precipitate the ending, but he didn't answer and I left a message on his voicemail saying that I needed to talk to him. 4 days later he finished with me.

The way he finished things woke up a whole load of stress in me from XN and that didn't help me deal with it for the first couple of weeks. Plus I was very confused because whenever I saw him we had such a lovely time. Whenever I saw XN we had a nice time about 40% of the time - the other 60% was spend managing his mood swings.

One thing that people find difficult in these situations is that you don't get closure. This guy wasn't an N (he may have had traits) but I didn't get closure from it all either. I feel that there was something he wasn't telling me. Nothing I can do about it now but it is frustrating.
 
Also, my ego has taken a battering from this experience again. I walked away from XN in the end but this guy walked away from me.

This whole experience set back into a slump of depression. I'm desperately trying to get out of it but it's hard.

One thing I have learnt is that if a guy won't add you as a friend on Facebook, there's probably a reason for it! The last guy I dated (only twice) went quiet on me and it turned out that he was seeing someone else the whole time. This guy went to great lengths to tell me that he didn't use Facebook all that much. I think that, if they've got something to hide, they won't want to add you. I know this sounds a bit 'teenage girl' but it's something I'll watch out for in the future. The guy in Australia added me straightaway.

Was I too normal for him?

I didn't ask him not to use drugs but I think he sensed that it wasn't a lifestyle I was into. Whenever we hung out, we didn't do much. Went out for meals, and to the cinema, cuddled and took my dog for walks. Nothing particularly exciting but then he didn't ever suggest doing things. We did have tickets booked for a comedy show in a couple of weeks time but I'll be taking someone else now.

I did wonder if he finished with me when he was on a downer from cocaine. My ex N used to finish with me when he was on a downer after using coke (which was very occasional). I also read that using cocaine dulls the senses so anything other than very 'exciting' things would have seemed dull. Hence hanging out with me would have seemed a bit dull to hanging out in the pub with his mates, snorting coke and talking cr@p all night!

We took my dog out for a walk along a river after he stayed the night once, and stopped to have a drink in the sunshine. He sat holding my hand across the table and said 'this is nice'. I genuinely thought he was having a nice time. But I think 'nice' wasn't what he wanted.

I'd love to know if he was ever using coke when he was with me. He did tell me that I made him nervous and I think that's because he couldn't use drugs around me so had to be himself - which he probably found hard.

He's very good looking, intelligent, smart, sporty...I really don't know why he needs to use cocaine.

I wonder if he will ever regret what he threw away? I figure that he has forgotten who I am already and I can't stop thinking about him, which is very annoying.

The ex girlfriend

I have deliberated over the ex girlfriend. On our first date, I asked what brought him to the dating website and he said that he'd split up with someone in December. I'd contacted him in mid-Jan so he must have put himself on there pretty quickly.

I looked a bit shocked and he said quickly 'it was a long time coming' and I wanted to believe him.

He did invite me to a family wedding and I know that his work colleagues knew about me so I don't think he thinks he is still with her. (Not long after meeting him, I went to Australia for 2 weeks to visit my brother. Then, when I got back, my mum was in hospital having caught bronchitis whilst having chemo so I couldn't see him for a couple of weeks. He then went very quiet on me. Which did upset me but I didn't know what to expect because I'm new to the dating game.)

He mentioned her occasionally but I think I mentioned my exes occasionally too. I do wonder why he's not asked her to take off the status though - 5 months on from when they are supposed to have broken up. I think he just avoids things. I have asked him about it in an e-mail but he's avoided answering the question and when he wanted to finish with me he just avoided me. He told me that it was a turbulent 2 year relationship that he finally broke off in December - but I know that turbulent relationships have a habit of dragging on and I wondered if him going cold on me was related to her in some way. He said not though.

It would be easier to believe that it was something to do with her or with the cocaine habit than anything I've done. I spent the weekend with him last time I saw him and we talked and laughed non-stop, so to go from that to him ignoring me, then finishing it was a bit of a shock. I still feel that there's something more going on that I know about.

One thing that did occur to me was that he said that I wouldn't like his friends (druggie mates, I think). And I remembered that saying - you can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps.

The more I write, the more I am knocking him off his pedestal, which is very helpful.
 
I had no idea about all of this when we first met.

Closure

I've been very tempted to e-mail W again as I still don't feel I have closure on all of this so am typing here instead. I wake up in the mornings thinking about it still and wondering why he'd prefer a druggie lifestyle over spending time with someone who wanted to be with him and who had fun with him.

Another complication is that his ex girlfriend, on Facebook (and I know that she uses it), still has that she is in a relationship with him. He told his family and work colleagues about me so I don't think he thinks he's still going out with her but there's something weird going on there. She phoned when I was there visiting him for the weekend and he told me that she phones him as much now as she ever did when they were together.

I got really excited about this guy and we had such a lovely time when we were together. But I am now wondering how much of the time he was on drugs. I still don't think he was honest with me at the end and the way he finished it was cowardly. He was all over me when we were together, chatted away on the phone in the days afterwards and then went quiet until I finally phoned to find out what was going on. This whole experience has left me feeling very hurt. I have since apologised to him via e-mail for blowing up at him but I wish I'd remembered JADE and instead of trying to justify all the reasons he gave me for it not working, asked more questions instead.

He's posting me back something that I left at his and I hope he sends it soon so that all connection between us can be at an end. I'm constantly waiting for him to send it back and I want to move on.

When we out for a walk by the beach with my dog (and we'd been walking along with our arms wrapped around each other) we stopped to get some food.  He waited outside, sat at a table.  I turned to look at him and he looked really unhappy, like he didn't want to be there.  I felt awful, but then we walked home and laughed and joked, again with our arms wrapped around each other.  


What happened to change all of that?  Was it a coke comedown?

Did the addiction come first?

It does help to think that the addiction comes first. I've been really cut up about this one and I know I'll stop blaming myself if I can think it's the addiction getting in the way. I am NC now. He wanted to stay in touch but I said there's no point. He's hurt me too much.

Can addicts only being able to co-exist with addicts? I really need to believe that right now. I think his last two exes both took a lot of drugs with him. And I think he is weak, with low morals. He wrote on his dating profile that he wanted someone with a 'strong moral compass' but he dealt drugs all through university and cocaine demand is very destructive - not the act of someone who has strong morals. 


W said several times that he didn't do that much. And I'm sure he thinks he can give it up if he wants but his social life seems to revolve around it now. I am now wondering how many times he had snorted coke when he was with me. I wish I'd been more alert to it now. The guy I thought was so funny and interesting may have just been off his face on coke.

I did phone to break up with him a few days before he finished with me because I couldn't stand his hot and cold behaviour. One day he was all over me, the next ignoring my phone calls & text messages. He didn't answer though so I left a message saying that I wanted to talk to him. 4 days later he finished with me.

Disappointed...yet again.

I thought I was over the trauma of XN but now that I've gone through this it's reminded me that I'm not fully healed (are we ever?).

I feel even more hurt because I had told him about XN and he went on to treat me in a similar way.

It's worrying that I've gone for a similar type again. I met him online and was attracted by his profile which talked about all the sport he did.  


I didn't know he was a coke addict at first - it's not the kind of thing people put on a dating profile -  but it's only now we've finished that I'm wondering how much he did take. I'm very naive about these things! XN did coke occasionally too and would always finish with me when he was on a comedown. Looks like the same happened here again.

This is the first guy I've liked in 3 years, since I kicked XN out. I did phone W to speak to him about what was going on because I was getting really bad vibes but he didn't answer the phone and then I didn't hear from him for a few days. I did precipitate the ending by going against all the dating rules though and asking him what was going on.

I honestly thought I'd met someone who was different this time. He is popular, XN wasn't, seemed normal, had lots of friends and has an active social life - which I think does revolve around drink and drugs. I guess I will know for next time.

There does seem to be something about these types that attracts me. This guy told me early on that he went for 'exciting types' - which I think means that they took drugs. One ran off owing him £30k which he'd invested in her business and another has OCD and phones him all the time now. On Facebook, she has that she's in a relationship with him, 5 months after they are supposed to have split up. He'd told his family and friends about me so I don't think they are still together but I did ask because it's all a bit strange.

I wish I'd asked more questions now - what did he mean by 'exciting types'?  Why did he split up with his last girlfriend?  The opportunity arose for me to ask but I didn't take it.  I didn't want to pry - but had I known that it was going to be my one and only opportunity I would have taken it.

I am feeling very hurt and I don't want to let go of the pain because letting go of the pain means letting go of him.

I'll never hear from him again.  I know that.

I finally met someone I liked and now I am bruised.

I finally met someone whom I liked and who seemed to like me.

I was very guarded at first after XN. The new guy, W, was very keen at first - invited me to a family wedding after only 3 dates - but then backed off a bit. When I asked why, he said he didn't think I liked him so I tried to show I did and he backed off even more.

We were only together a few months but I'd really started to like him. We got on well, I felt very comfortable with him, and we had fun together.

He finally finished with me last week after ignoring me for a few days. Because XN used to do this, it drove me insane and I couldn't go into work for a few days last week.  I threw my first ever 'sickie' and was off work for 2 days, crying in bed til the early afternoon.  I was set right back to how I was after XN.

It turns out that he has a coke habit. This isn't the reason he gave me for finishing it but he said we didn't have much in common (i.e. I don't do coke?) and I wouldn't like his friends (because they do coke with him?).
I can't say if this is the reason why but I think his social life revolves around it and I was getting him to do other things.

I've been devastated and it's knocked me right back to how I was after XN, barely functioning in work, not eating or sleeping.

I don't think he's an N but some of his behaviours, unreliability, going hot and cold, and ignoring me at the end until I finally had to ask what was going on really reminded me of XN.