The next

So....a friend from university. I had a wild panic when leaving that I wasn't going to see him again. We had a fling for a few months but I ended it.

He was a nice guy and we've managed to remain friends - of sorts.

He is married now and has children.

The first love

My first boyfriend, Jim.

It lasted 4 years. We met at school, were friends, and became boyfriend/girlfriend.

We went to the same university - 7 hours from home.

He was kind, funny, intelligent, perhaps a little immature.

What went wrong? I loved him but I didn't find him hugely physically attractive. We were both growing up. I thought it was going to last a long time and started feeling claustrophobic. I felt guilty for years for hurting him.

He is married with a child/children.

My first post

So I wanted to start a blog as a diary and as a way of getting my thoughts straight about men.

I came out of an abusive relationship 18 months ago and am starting to feel normal again. So normal in fact that I have ventured out in the world of dating and I haven't had much fun.

At my age, 34, I feel fairly young but I'm finding it difficult to meet eligible men. At this age, it feels as if most are married or settled down at least.

It's caused me to reflect on the men that I've known in my life romantically - or who have wanted to have a romantic connection with me. Perhaps it will make me see that I am meeting men - just not the right ones. After all, you only need to meet one - and yes, I do believe in "the one", just maybe not for me.

I'm not sure if I even want anyone at the moment anyway. I joined a dating website for a trial and the thought of actually having to meet up with anyone scares me. I can't be bothered. I am so used to pleasing myself and controlling my own life that I am not keen on getting seriously involved with anyone right now. I think that's probably a good place to be. In other words, if I met someone I liked, I wouldn't close myself off but neither am I pining for a man either.

Who knows...I'm going to start listing the men in my life and see if I have any blinding realisations about my choices.

Whatever happens, I know that I am feeling a helluva lot better than I was 18 months ago and that my self-esteem is much higher than it was. Did I really put up with all that crap from the narcissistic, personality disordered, abusive, controlling ex? Really? I want to go back in time and shake myself by the shoulders and say get out now!